Getting My Happy Back!

     Okay, so for the past couple of months i've been dabbling into diets and workouts to try to find one that would work for me and more importantly, one that I could actually stick to! I have three kids and i've always used the excuse "Well, I just had a baby so..." but considering the fact that my youngest is almost two years old I don't think I can use that anymore!! So I went out and got some dumbells and an ab roller and a pilates ball and got to work! I found like a gazillion workouts online and alot of them I actaully liked. I just started clicking and just went at it!! I woke up this morning and felt sore muscles that I forgot I even had! So now I just have to stay focused and stick with it. Sound easy? NOT for me!! But i'm almost 27, i'm single, and i'm trying to really begin the rest of my life and I want to do it right.
     It is so complicated tying to start over. I mean, literally we are starting our entire lives. But, I want it to be an adventure and make it a positive thing. It has been THREE years. It's time. I wasted too much time trying to just forget that it even happened and I didn't realize that I was making it worse, for all of us. Loss is something you have to deal with there's no way around it. It is something that we all go through at some point in our lives. Multiple times. Whether it be a death, the loss of a job, or a divorce. I went about it completely wrong.
     I went back and forth with myself as to whether or not I should put everythingin this blog, but the thing is I wouldn't be giving the whole experience if I left things out. My ex and I had moved into our first apartment and he had friends who were either drug dealers or just on drugs, bad. At the time I had NEVER done ant drug other than smoking pot in highschool. He started buying Oxycontin and I tried it.I was almost insantly hooked. He did alot of other drugs but I stuck to the pain pills. Eventually he joined the military bc he said it was the only way he could stop doing drugs and I was left here to deal with my addiction alone. By this time I was using to forget everything. The fact he was gone, the fact that my babies cried themselves to  sleep missing him, and all of our bills, just everything was piled on me. He has this arrogant, "I can do no wrong", cocky ass attitiude and so of course he took no responsibility for anything. He ran. Ran to the military. He likes to act like it was this heroic act. Well, when he flew home that Chritmas and we found out about the affair I lost it. The day I found out, he cried for hours, begging me to change my mind. By the end of the night I told him I would try. He was leaving for Guam in two weeks so I didn't really have time to even process everything. But I never said yes. The next day we were watching our kids play and he say to them, " Are you glad mommy and daddy are back together?". What was I supposed to say, they had been through enough. So I just let it go. He called the hooker he hooked up with and told her it was over, he even gave me his cell phone to try to "prove" he was telling the truth. Well, we were at our son's basketball game and I got a text from "her". It read, "I need to talk to you when you're alone.". I knew what she was going to say. I kept tryin to get him to call her but he wouldn't. Finally the day he was laving he called and she said she was pregnant. That was it. I really lost it. He was so cold. He wasn't even sorry. It turned out that she lied. She was never pregnant. Since then, they've gotten married, had a baby and one on the way. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't. He's still an asshole. So things got bad. I never wanted to deal with it. Eventually my wonderful amazing, beautiful babies got me through it. It was MY fault. Not his. How could I let him steal my happy? So now this is where it's at. Getting my happy back. I'm in counseling still and i'm 18 months clean. Would've been two years but I relapsed after having my youngest baby. I know now that I have to deal with this everyday of my life and that's okay!