Last week was definately chaotic! The dreaded first week of school! Time goes by so fast when there's something coming up that you dread. This was our first summer where we really got to be together all day pretty much everyday. I loved it!! So I was not looking forward to bts time!
To my suprise, we are all actually glad to be back to a routine. I thinkl we all need some sort of structure and school really provides that. It's been so nice getting up early and having my coffee (or redbull) and then waking my babies up and getting thier breakfast, making thier lunch, fixing my girl's hair, and getting them on the bus. After that I get to spend time with my little one!! I really am so blessed to have my wonderful family!
I don't know if i've mentioned that my baby girl has a disability. She can't walk, and she's in physical therapy. It helps but it's heartbreaking watching her try. She was supposed to go to the Cinc. Children's Hospital to see three different specialists. I have absolutely no way to get her there and her pediatrician would NOT get her in with any doctor's in our area so I finally changed doctors. Thank God I did. This doctor will get her in with specialists here in our area so I don't have to just sit here with my thumb up my butt waiting to win the lottery so I can get a vehicle to make the trip.
I guess we all have issues, we all have things that we have to deal with that we really dread. But usually it seems a lot worse than what it really is. Everything always works out!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A few words about addiction
I just finished watching Celebrity Rehab. A lot of people make fun of this show and the people on it. I will admit that the word "celebrity" is used loosely these days but regardless of the Hollywood status of these people, they are humans just like the rest of us. I'm sure I have a soft spot for this issue because of what I've gone through but to me that is extremely sad. We as a society tend not to be "bothered" with issues we don't understand. Ignorance is a disease in this country. We can pass judgment on any issue at hand but Heaven forbid we actually put ourselves in their shoes and try to actually have empathy for them. We are so quick to rip each other apart just to boost our own egos. If you ever watch "Real Housewives of New York" then there's a perfect example!
Today on the show they found out that they lost on of their previous patients. I actually watched the season that this patient was on. He seemed to have beaten his addiction, his disease. Unfortunately he died of an overdose. Instead of judging this person, this should show what a serious DISEASE this is. Not only is addiction a disease, but it's all too often a terminal disease.
The word "epidemic" doesn't even begin to describe what's going on today all over the country with these drugs. The good news is that it's 100% preventable. So other than pretending that addiction is not a big deal and only skanky, dirty people have to deal with it, we need to address it everyday. In my graduating class alone, I know at least 40% probably more, are still addicted to drugs. Mainly pills. The cheerleaders, the most popular students are now struggling everyday to get out of bed without their "medicine". I was one of them. In school I NEVER had a class or even a session about the seriousness of this disease. It was sugarcoated into a cheer squad called "Pride". They were fun to watch but nobody listened. We have to get real about this subject. Kids are doing drugs at younger ages every year. We have to tackle this and prevent it before it starts. Not just through classes at school but at home also. My kids are almost at the age where I will tell them exactly what happened to me but even now we talk about this issue all the time. They know that it's NOT okay to even try a drug and they know that the end result will always be addiction. They know that addiction leads to a miserable existence.
Today on the show they found out that they lost on of their previous patients. I actually watched the season that this patient was on. He seemed to have beaten his addiction, his disease. Unfortunately he died of an overdose. Instead of judging this person, this should show what a serious DISEASE this is. Not only is addiction a disease, but it's all too often a terminal disease.
The word "epidemic" doesn't even begin to describe what's going on today all over the country with these drugs. The good news is that it's 100% preventable. So other than pretending that addiction is not a big deal and only skanky, dirty people have to deal with it, we need to address it everyday. In my graduating class alone, I know at least 40% probably more, are still addicted to drugs. Mainly pills. The cheerleaders, the most popular students are now struggling everyday to get out of bed without their "medicine". I was one of them. In school I NEVER had a class or even a session about the seriousness of this disease. It was sugarcoated into a cheer squad called "Pride". They were fun to watch but nobody listened. We have to get real about this subject. Kids are doing drugs at younger ages every year. We have to tackle this and prevent it before it starts. Not just through classes at school but at home also. My kids are almost at the age where I will tell them exactly what happened to me but even now we talk about this issue all the time. They know that it's NOT okay to even try a drug and they know that the end result will always be addiction. They know that addiction leads to a miserable existence.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Pretty Good Day
Any day that I can spend with my babies is a pretty good day! There's always some chaotic event through the day but still! We didn't even leave the house but we had fun! We played outside, played monopoly (inside), I ordered pizza and we watched Disney almost all day! My sissy came over. She's in college, she has NO help , she works her butt off and does it herself. She started my FASFA form for me!! It helps SO much considering I'm lucky to have time to even brush my teeth!! She's done it so many times so she knows the drill where I look at the form and start to have an anxiety attack! She's going with me this week to the school so I can finish enrollment. I may have missed the deadline for this semester but thankfully I'll at least be ready to start in January.
I know that I have my work cut out for me. It's going to be very difficult to raise three kids, work, volunteer AND go to school. But the thing is, well... I HAVE to do this. I have no other option. My kids deserve to have a good life. They deserve to have nice clothes, and to be able to have birthday parties and to be able to attend birthday parties instead of having to make up excuses so they don't have to say, "Sorry, we can't go because we don't have the money to get you a gift." . They are good kids and I want them to have more. I know I have to watch it though because they are already starting to be spoiled and expect things from me that we can't afford. I've really been considering taking them to the shelter to serve food so they can see how good they do have it. But then I start to feel guilty. I think about everything they've gone through. They really are good kids. Anyway, I can't describe the sorrow I feel when I think about the example I am setting. I am almost 27 and I live at home. I BARELY make it and that's only because I have help. Somehow their father, even though he's in the military, has managed to NEVER pay one cent in child support. And he only sees them maybe one week out of the year. That's fine with me though because they get so upset when they have to see him. My son takes it the hardest. He's so scared of him and his wife. They went to see him this summer for three weeks and my son was so bent out of shape that he actually gave himself a nosebleed the day they left. He was broken hearted. As his mom I wanted to say FU*K this!! He is NOT leaving! But I still feel that would only hurt him more so I push him on. I tell him it will be fine, and that he needs to see his dad and that his dad loves him. That just upsets him more and he tells me that I'm just trying to get rid of him! I know that he knows better. Kids are so much smarter than us! They'll say whatever it takes to get what they want. And even though I despise that man, they need to believe that he is wonderful and that he loves them. Even if one is a lie and the other is probably fake, for their sake they NEED to think all of this is true. I know what it's like to be scared of my dad and to not want to see him and it's not a good feeling. Thank the LORD my dad and I are okay now but we went through a lot.
They worked out with me too! I am really sticking to this workout this time! Now, the diet I really need to work on! I worked out for almost two hours and I actually loved it! TIP: If you can't get your little ones to leave you alone long enough to exercise, have them join you!! That's it for today, thanks for reading!!
I know that I have my work cut out for me. It's going to be very difficult to raise three kids, work, volunteer AND go to school. But the thing is, well... I HAVE to do this. I have no other option. My kids deserve to have a good life. They deserve to have nice clothes, and to be able to have birthday parties and to be able to attend birthday parties instead of having to make up excuses so they don't have to say, "Sorry, we can't go because we don't have the money to get you a gift." . They are good kids and I want them to have more. I know I have to watch it though because they are already starting to be spoiled and expect things from me that we can't afford. I've really been considering taking them to the shelter to serve food so they can see how good they do have it. But then I start to feel guilty. I think about everything they've gone through. They really are good kids. Anyway, I can't describe the sorrow I feel when I think about the example I am setting. I am almost 27 and I live at home. I BARELY make it and that's only because I have help. Somehow their father, even though he's in the military, has managed to NEVER pay one cent in child support. And he only sees them maybe one week out of the year. That's fine with me though because they get so upset when they have to see him. My son takes it the hardest. He's so scared of him and his wife. They went to see him this summer for three weeks and my son was so bent out of shape that he actually gave himself a nosebleed the day they left. He was broken hearted. As his mom I wanted to say FU*K this!! He is NOT leaving! But I still feel that would only hurt him more so I push him on. I tell him it will be fine, and that he needs to see his dad and that his dad loves him. That just upsets him more and he tells me that I'm just trying to get rid of him! I know that he knows better. Kids are so much smarter than us! They'll say whatever it takes to get what they want. And even though I despise that man, they need to believe that he is wonderful and that he loves them. Even if one is a lie and the other is probably fake, for their sake they NEED to think all of this is true. I know what it's like to be scared of my dad and to not want to see him and it's not a good feeling. Thank the LORD my dad and I are okay now but we went through a lot.
They worked out with me too! I am really sticking to this workout this time! Now, the diet I really need to work on! I worked out for almost two hours and I actually loved it! TIP: If you can't get your little ones to leave you alone long enough to exercise, have them join you!! That's it for today, thanks for reading!!
Friday, August 12, 2011
For Our Heroes
I mentioned before that I was raised by my grandparents. Well, I moved back home with them when my kids and I left the California Naval Base we were on and we've been with them ever since. My papaw is an Army Veteran of two wars. World War 1 and the Korean War. He now goes to the Veterans Hospital (aka the VA) for all of his medical care. I take him out there atleast once a week and sometimes more. Everytime i'm there I am amazed by all of the stories I hear. This hospital is so wonderful. Not just because of the staff, or the the facility itself but because of the heroic patients. Our veterans. These men (and women) are our fathers, grandfathers, brothers, and neighbors. And I know by living with one that these heroes rarely get the respect or honor that they deserve. It doesn't matter what your opinion is of the war or what your political views are. The bottom line is that these men and women fought and many gave thier lives so that you can have that opinion.
So, today I decided to volunteer at the VA. I think alot of times we "civillians" think that aside from joining the military, there really isn't much we can do to show our support for our military or our country. Which just so happens to be the best country in the world. If you disagree with that........... move. I am a single mom of three, trying to g back to school, work,and help take care of my grandparents. I WILL find the time to help these special people in this hospital. Just something to think abu :0)
So, today I decided to volunteer at the VA. I think alot of times we "civillians" think that aside from joining the military, there really isn't much we can do to show our support for our military or our country. Which just so happens to be the best country in the world. If you disagree with that........... move. I am a single mom of three, trying to g back to school, work,and help take care of my grandparents. I WILL find the time to help these special people in this hospital. Just something to think abu :0)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Getting My Happy Back!
Okay, so for the past couple of months i've been dabbling into diets and workouts to try to find one that would work for me and more importantly, one that I could actually stick to! I have three kids and i've always used the excuse "Well, I just had a baby so..." but considering the fact that my youngest is almost two years old I don't think I can use that anymore!! So I went out and got some dumbells and an ab roller and a pilates ball and got to work! I found like a gazillion workouts online and alot of them I actaully liked. I just started clicking and just went at it!! I woke up this morning and felt sore muscles that I forgot I even had! So now I just have to stay focused and stick with it. Sound easy? NOT for me!! But i'm almost 27, i'm single, and i'm trying to really begin the rest of my life and I want to do it right.
It is so complicated tying to start over. I mean, literally we are starting our entire lives. But, I want it to be an adventure and make it a positive thing. It has been THREE years. It's time. I wasted too much time trying to just forget that it even happened and I didn't realize that I was making it worse, for all of us. Loss is something you have to deal with there's no way around it. It is something that we all go through at some point in our lives. Multiple times. Whether it be a death, the loss of a job, or a divorce. I went about it completely wrong.
I went back and forth with myself as to whether or not I should put everythingin this blog, but the thing is I wouldn't be giving the whole experience if I left things out. My ex and I had moved into our first apartment and he had friends who were either drug dealers or just on drugs, bad. At the time I had NEVER done ant drug other than smoking pot in highschool. He started buying Oxycontin and I tried it.I was almost insantly hooked. He did alot of other drugs but I stuck to the pain pills. Eventually he joined the military bc he said it was the only way he could stop doing drugs and I was left here to deal with my addiction alone. By this time I was using to forget everything. The fact he was gone, the fact that my babies cried themselves to sleep missing him, and all of our bills, just everything was piled on me. He has this arrogant, "I can do no wrong", cocky ass attitiude and so of course he took no responsibility for anything. He ran. Ran to the military. He likes to act like it was this heroic act. Well, when he flew home that Chritmas and we found out about the affair I lost it. The day I found out, he cried for hours, begging me to change my mind. By the end of the night I told him I would try. He was leaving for Guam in two weeks so I didn't really have time to even process everything. But I never said yes. The next day we were watching our kids play and he say to them, " Are you glad mommy and daddy are back together?". What was I supposed to say, they had been through enough. So I just let it go. He called the hooker he hooked up with and told her it was over, he even gave me his cell phone to try to "prove" he was telling the truth. Well, we were at our son's basketball game and I got a text from "her". It read, "I need to talk to you when you're alone.". I knew what she was going to say. I kept tryin to get him to call her but he wouldn't. Finally the day he was laving he called and she said she was pregnant. That was it. I really lost it. He was so cold. He wasn't even sorry. It turned out that she lied. She was never pregnant. Since then, they've gotten married, had a baby and one on the way. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't. He's still an asshole. So things got bad. I never wanted to deal with it. Eventually my wonderful amazing, beautiful babies got me through it. It was MY fault. Not his. How could I let him steal my happy? So now this is where it's at. Getting my happy back. I'm in counseling still and i'm 18 months clean. Would've been two years but I relapsed after having my youngest baby. I know now that I have to deal with this everyday of my life and that's okay!
It is so complicated tying to start over. I mean, literally we are starting our entire lives. But, I want it to be an adventure and make it a positive thing. It has been THREE years. It's time. I wasted too much time trying to just forget that it even happened and I didn't realize that I was making it worse, for all of us. Loss is something you have to deal with there's no way around it. It is something that we all go through at some point in our lives. Multiple times. Whether it be a death, the loss of a job, or a divorce. I went about it completely wrong.
I went back and forth with myself as to whether or not I should put everythingin this blog, but the thing is I wouldn't be giving the whole experience if I left things out. My ex and I had moved into our first apartment and he had friends who were either drug dealers or just on drugs, bad. At the time I had NEVER done ant drug other than smoking pot in highschool. He started buying Oxycontin and I tried it.I was almost insantly hooked. He did alot of other drugs but I stuck to the pain pills. Eventually he joined the military bc he said it was the only way he could stop doing drugs and I was left here to deal with my addiction alone. By this time I was using to forget everything. The fact he was gone, the fact that my babies cried themselves to sleep missing him, and all of our bills, just everything was piled on me. He has this arrogant, "I can do no wrong", cocky ass attitiude and so of course he took no responsibility for anything. He ran. Ran to the military. He likes to act like it was this heroic act. Well, when he flew home that Chritmas and we found out about the affair I lost it. The day I found out, he cried for hours, begging me to change my mind. By the end of the night I told him I would try. He was leaving for Guam in two weeks so I didn't really have time to even process everything. But I never said yes. The next day we were watching our kids play and he say to them, " Are you glad mommy and daddy are back together?". What was I supposed to say, they had been through enough. So I just let it go. He called the hooker he hooked up with and told her it was over, he even gave me his cell phone to try to "prove" he was telling the truth. Well, we were at our son's basketball game and I got a text from "her". It read, "I need to talk to you when you're alone.". I knew what she was going to say. I kept tryin to get him to call her but he wouldn't. Finally the day he was laving he called and she said she was pregnant. That was it. I really lost it. He was so cold. He wasn't even sorry. It turned out that she lied. She was never pregnant. Since then, they've gotten married, had a baby and one on the way. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't. He's still an asshole. So things got bad. I never wanted to deal with it. Eventually my wonderful amazing, beautiful babies got me through it. It was MY fault. Not his. How could I let him steal my happy? So now this is where it's at. Getting my happy back. I'm in counseling still and i'm 18 months clean. Would've been two years but I relapsed after having my youngest baby. I know now that I have to deal with this everyday of my life and that's okay!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Let's Get Started!
Just a little background info so that my posts will make sense! I am 26 years old, I am the mother of 1 boy (8 yrs), and 2 girls (6yrs and 18mos). I was married for 7 years and now i'm 3 years divorced. My ex was in the Navy and he came home over Christmas to let me and his kids know he had gotten someone pregnant. The events that came after were the worst times in my life. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to feel the pain so I started going out and partying...alot. It was my way of trying to forget about it but it was the worst way to deal with it. Three years later i'm still dealing with it. I got counseling well, i'm STILL in counseling and so are my babies. We take it day by day and we are better everyday. We live with my grandparents (my mother's parents) who raised me. I have 2 sisters and 5 brothers. We are all close even though we all grew up with different people. My mom lives in Arizona with one of my sisters and my baby brother. Well, he's 6 so he's not a baby anymore!! One brother is a marine and he has a little boy and fiance and lives in NC. One sister goes to Marshall and I get to see her alot. My marine brother and I have the same dad but the rest of the kids have different dads. I was raised by my grandparents but he was raised by my dad. We all have gone through so much growing up. We had to deal with parents on drugs, parents who didn't want us, a mother who was beaten to near death so often that it was as normal as Sunday Dinner (which we never had). BUT through all of this we are strong, we are close.........we're pretty messed up in the head at times!! We always see the positive in every situation and pick each other back up when we fall. All of this sounds sad and depressing but that is NOT what my blog will be. It will be brutally honest but it will always have a positive spin. Hope you like it!!!
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